it's so odd reading my last entry on this site. i immediately flashed to that period of time... things were so different then.

today, i am 21 years old, about to fail out of college, and have realized that i have made the worst mistake of my life (thus far).

israel reyes.

the supposed love of my life, my heart, my soul, is no longer. i will not talk to him or see him again.

the days are hard. especially the mornings. i dream about him. it's funny, i can't even escape the misery he causes me, even in my sleep. i wake up, angry, sad, and just plain crazy. i feel like i need to call him, and i almost do some mornings. but then i put the phone down, because i know better.

i can't think about him fucking other women. i try to avoid those thoughts.

i hope he realizes that he is making the biggest mistake of his life by letting me go.

i hope he hits rock bottom, and comes back up.

i hope he still loves me. even though i don't know if i still love him. the israel i knew no longer exists.

i miss how he would hold me, kiss me, and make love to me.

i hope he doesn't do that to anybody else.

i hope i forget about him, and how much he has hurt me.

i hope i never cry about him again.

i hope i'm strong enough.

i hope i can fall in love again.

i wonder if he is thinking about me. but he probably isn't because he's high and/or drunk.

i miss his smell.

i don't even know how to end this entry. i'm just tired. and sick. i'll just go to sleep now.